so im wide awake, at least to a point, and i really would like to:
sleep
write
sleep
music
but there is nothing to write about, at the moment, aside from the beautiful sound of rain outside my two bedroom windows. it really is quite incredible. maybe an entry about rain later.
and music. not particularly anyone id like to listen to. rain, again, is to be the sound of my evening.
and as far as sleep. well if i were sleeping i wouldnt very well be in this predicament now would i??
hmmmm, so lets open up my heart and see what spills out . . . if that darn rusty hinge will allow me to do so . . .
so sarah hall (coworker) asked me today what has been going on. as ive not been trying to mask my struggles too much she has noticed i have been “off”. she wanted to know if she could help and i said no. could she have?? i deal w/ spiritual things and people normally do not enjoy helping w/ spiritual things. (this is a ridiculous blog … hmph) i do not like that sentence. anyway, i, honest to goodness, really am struggling. i journaled yesterday or evening and it was very very sad. i was in quite a pit and id hate to even go back and read the scratching that i wrote (im hungry). im so numb. soooo painfully numb (yes, that is possible i promise. a paradox if you will). . . . . . . . . . . so everyone knows, i am trying to live a life that is acceptable in God’s eyes. its is hard. so very hard, but i try although more often than not i fail.
i am so sick and tired of feeling complacent. i cannot tell you how much i mean that. complacency should not exist. it just shouldnt. it plagues me every day in everything i do, including right now in typing this blog. i sit here, pressing little plastic squares, making pixels (or whatever they are) create little black words in a peculiar electronic screen. these things combine together to create a physical representation of thought. and here it sits, on your screen and mine to be read by whomever feels the need. yet it will never capture the verity of what is being communicated. and yet, what i communicate through this remains dead and empty. i must feel again. i must find God again. for i cannot live on my own w/o Him. you may think i can but i know i cannot.
and now im frustrated that im have to let yall bear witness to my scrawling and whining.
goodnight and please do not let me depress you. think of the rain that is currently in my ear. so pleasant w/ each little intricate sound and drip. and this night there is even a flash of lightening and a rumble of thunder here and there. it will always lighten my mood . . .
josiah
Life is confusing. Numbness and complacency are indeed two evils that are tough to overcome. You have to fight them, you have to find something that fills you, that lets you let go of everything. I went through something similar last year and this summer. Last year, I found writing as my Haven. This summer, however, I found the arms of God and the planes of love to fill me. And (I really hope that this doesn’t come across wrong) I have never felt joy so unadulterated or love so spectacular. And it’s not even for the reasons you’d think…it’s because I don’t let people in. I never have. But I let God in. I talk to him. He listens. I know he’d never betray me because he loves me. So my advice:
Get to the core of what’s bothering you. Talk it out to someone you trust completely. *And please do not EVER think you’re whining…the people that love you do not consider it whining at all!!!* I don’t know what’s going on, Josiah, but just know that the only way you can ever seriously dishonor God is not doing everything you can to be happy. That’s all he wants for us, so really, it’s not that hard. Just listen to your heart. Let it tell you what it wants. =) I hope you find the peace of mind and the acceptance that you’re looking for. And I hope you know that if you need anything, you can ALWAYS turn to me. Good luck, my friend.